Royalty

Royal families are a controversial subject throughout the world, but I am pretty much in favour of them due to my own brush with royalty in 1996 when I was lucky enough to meet the heads of not one but two royal families; the Prince of Soe and the King of Boti. Now, while these two regents might not be as well-known as Queen Elizabeth II or the Sultan of Brunei, I personally like to think of them as equals to these two more famous monarchs.

The Prince of Soe was notable for wearing a pair of splendid leather trousers that allegedly were once owned by Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones. Not quite the crown jewels you might say, but he was as proud of them as if they were the eye of the tiger itself. As charming a gentleman as the Prince of Soe was, it was the King of Boti who made a mark upon my memory so deep that I will never forget him, even if my brain were erased by mind rubbers. I went, in a small group, to the village of Boti, in West Timor, Indonesia to stay the night and receive the hospitality of the King, and the honour of sleeping under his very roof; in effect, in the royal palace of Boti. The royal court treated my group to some traditional dancing, and there seemed a hint of a possibilty of marriage with the King's daughter; this would have made me heir to the throne of Boti, but probably the King was most enthused by the possibility of his daughter being married to the heir to the throne of my parents' house in England.

Some might say that becoming a royal personality may have enhanced my status, but when one takes a look at royalty around the world this is a debatable point. The respect given to various royal persons around the world varies greatly. In the UK, Prince Charles' wedding attracted a considerable amount of furor, with the Prince and his bride-to-be commonly lampooned in the media. It has to be admitted that Prince Charles is one of the more lampoonable royals of this world, but it is a situation that is unimaginable in Thailand. There, the royal family is without peer; banknotes carrying the King's image are damaged at the damager's peril, and one Thai journalist was famously jailed in Bangkok for referring to the King using a familiar term. From my personal experiences in Thailand this monarch is certainly one that has earned the utmost respect, which is more than can be said of the antics of some.

Take the comedic King of Tonga (right) for example; this absolute monarch's proposals for revenue have included the paving over of a coral reef to make a helipad, converting sea water into gas by the power of prayer, building a space-tourism launching site and importing 30 million used car tyres for fuel. Another scheme to import four million litres of toxic waste for cash was halted when the nation's doctors threatened to leave in protest. As if this wasn't already enough for a whole comedy series, in the 1980s the King offered Tongan passports for sale to anyone able to afford them. At first this proved to be a fabulous success, with $26 million being raised, with another former world leader, Ferdinand Marcos, among the purchasers. Unfortunatley for the people of Tonga they never received the rewards of this due to the King hiring a court jester to invest the money!!!!! Traditionally jesters don't make the best financial advisors, and so it proved in this case with the money dissappearing and the jester being tried for fraud, negligence and conspiracy; all of which makes Prince Charles engaging his vegetables in conversation seem quite sane indeed. Other notable facts on King Taufa'ahau Tupou IV of Tonga are that he is the heaviest monarch in the world, and that he was part of George W. Bush's alliance against terror; it's nice to see that nutters stick together.

Sticking together was right at the root of the problem for the most famous crazy royal in the world: Prince Dipendra of Nepal, who shot dead most of his nation's royal family, including his father the King (the reincarnation of Vishnu) before shooting himself in the head. He was lucky enough to become King for a few hours, although he knew little of it as he spent the whole of his short reign in a coma. A few days after Prince Dipendra's death his uncle was crowned King, giving Nepal its third king in a week; Vishnu is obviously a very fickle god. This whole incident was the result of an argument over a woman of course! Needless to say Nepal has now dispensed with its monarchy.

There are many countries that have chosen to dispose of their monarchs; France, Russia, Iran, Iraq, Germany being amongst the most well-known. Some nations have even reinstated monarchs after having become republics, Spain most famously and Greece being another. I believe that some former communist countries are considering bringing back their royal families too; maybe they should read about the royal family of Brunei before doing so.

A few years ago the Sultan of Brunei had to claim sovereign immunity to avoid being taken to court by an American beauty queen on a "sexual enslavement" charge. However, it is the Sultan's younger brother Prince Jefri who is the real black sheep of the family having apparently squandered around $15 billion on personal extravagances and ill-conceived plans whilst occupying the post of finance minister; I wonder if Prince Jefri has ever considered a career in jesting!

The punishment, however, did fit the crime; Prince Jefri was confined to his palace and provided with an allowance of only $300,000 per month - how ghastly!

Our sympathies though, should be reserved for King Letsie III of Lesotho, who had to endure the indignity of having water thrown on him on the birth of his two two daughters, as is customary in Lesotho. However, this is nothing compared to being beaten with sticks when he finally did father a son and heir to the throne; one can only hope that King Letsie has something of the masochist about him which enabled him to get through this custom.

Royal families are a controversial institution in the modern world, but personally I appreciate the colour that they lend a dour political system. There are many who would like to see the end of monarchies around the world when the current encumbants pass away.

Let THEM eat cake!

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